To be held…
Recently I had the opportunity to take a new path. This path showed up in the form of a new person. Sure, I’ve had other opportunities, many in fact. This opportunity was different. He was young, well established, kind and gentle. He is a humanitarian who does good for others. He knew of my personal situation and has a good grasp of it due to knowing both myself and my partner on a personal level.
He could see me struggling
He could see my pain
He wanted to comfort me in a way that I needed.
I didn’t know what to make of this beautiful man who stood before me. I didn’t know what to make of his advances. His star like quality had me bewildered. I felt as though I wasn’t good enough for such a beautiful offer of a person simply wanting to show me unconditional love because they could see my pain. I was left asking myself where all of this pain had stemmed from. I had to take a look at what I had undergone over the past 7 months. It brought me to my knees in tears.
Sometimes when we don’t have the answers we can be consumed by the fear of not knowing. Confusion sets in after a significant length of time. A time of Unnecessary traumatic events occurring on an going basis. And for no apparent reason. A time of not having our love received or reciprocated. A stream of events that takes us from being madly in love and spending time with who is the love of our lives, to feeling abandoned, broken and sad. I began to question my own actions. Then I thought back. Back to listening to the man I love repeatedly admitting to self sabotaging any relationship that neared commitment. Remembering how sad this made me feel inside my heart. Ever since I met my partner three years ago I only wanted to love and eventually marry him. He had everything I had ever desired in a man. He was the first man who didn’t make me desire anyone else.
He was affectionate, he desired to take care of me, he was a good father who had raised a man with a good heart. He was a good provider who made sacrifices for his family. He was a fabulous lover. He was charismatic and loved to socialize. He had a dark side (as everyone does) that I felt we would eventually explore together. I had truly found “the love of my life” that I would grow as a person with. My best friend. This handsome soul who I adored.
But early on, things began occurring that felt so unnecessary to me. Things that carried a self sabotaging energy. My loves ex’s (ex wife and ex girlfriend of 14 years) were aloud to interfere. There were constant texts by his ex wife he hadn’t even seen in ten years. There was ongoing harassment from an ex girlfriend that heavily affected my social media. I suddenly felt like I had to be on some type of “high alert”. I can remember locking myself in a hotel bathroom in an LA hotel room we were staying at after seeing a message from my loves ex wife that was completely inappropriate. I cried through the door and begged him to place boundaries up to protect our love. He promised, I trusted only to find this scenario repeating a month later as we stood fighting in front of my home over the exact same scenario. We began repeating a pattern of me being verbally abused and my love making up for it financially. This was unhealthy and I take FULL responsibility for my part.
That “middle part”!
Then there was a “middle period”. A time where we loved one another and made love to one another often. We called each other “love” when we would send text messages. When he would walk through the door, I got excited. He made me feel loved and truly happy. I saw however that we needed more integration with others. We needed friends, we needed to socialize. We both were in need for change. But communication was impossible. Even the simplest question turned into being shouted over. Yes… shouted over! I had lost the person I had been. The strong beautiful proud woman who stood for love, peace and all things healthy. I became angry because I was being silenced every time I would speak. Even my body became ill. I resorted to behaviors I had not partaken in since I was a teen. I was displaying anger in order to defend myself from verbal damage. It wasn’t until I sought therapy that I learned I was in a constant place of PTSD.
When you are verbally abused for a period of time you begin to question yourself. Why is he always searching for the next “fix”? Why does he scream at me Why does he scar me with words I’ve not heard since riding on a school bus? You begin to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself. You begin to shy away from leaving the house. You begin to sleep a little longer. You stay awake at night searching for answers. There were days when I dreaded him walking in the door. What would be the “dark doom” of the day today?
Then it clicked!
I remembered him sharing early on that this is how he was treated by a person growing up. He had been in pain, wanting to run and hide. He had been shouted over and called names. I remember thinking, “why were you not protected”? That was the day I realized I needed to protect myself. But I loved this man dearly. I knew everything was not lost! I knew we could make this work! Then I realized that we both needed help. He needed childhood wounds healed and now I had fresh open new wounds that needed fixed.
Then the ball dropped! But had it really? Or was this just another episode of what happened in the beginning?
Confusion is the darkest place where the mind leaves no stone unturned. It’s a place I’m trying to get out of. A place I’ve been alone in for far too long. Confusion will give you faith and faith will keep you stuck for far too long! What would he be unhappy with? Unsatisfied with? What was not enough? Maybe it’s me… Maybe I’m no longer his light that led him out of the darkness. Maybe I’m not pretty enough Young enough Old enough Maybe I need to hit the gym more Or maybe the same light that drew him to me would cast a light on all that is hidden. The things he needed to see The darkness he needed to face Every time he came back we were both damaged a little more I became angry like him He became more closed off. The hot and cold, here and gone, near and far was exhausting! My weight dropped My friends fled My heart became a wall surrounded by swords I became a woman I no longer recognized. He hadn’t failed me I had failed myself And then one of us closed up completely There was no getting in No returning to the beautiful love story The Picasso painting we were creating. My heart felt there was something wrong but I was given no answers.
My Dark night of the soul!
Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, I rose from a very dark place. A place that consumed me not for days but for months. Seven months to be exact! This place consisted of a room with lit candles, salt lamps and crystals. A room with two dogs, a bible and a woman who no longer had faith in mankind. There was a way out of this room. But I didn’t hold the key. The key was a key of truth. Wanting to know, needing to know, asking & yes…eventually begging to know the truth. The key was held by a man who said “he loved me”. A man who three times in three years brought up marriage. A man who knew the suffering I was undergoing due to not knowing the truth that only he could speak.
Opportunities can shed light on our worth, even the ones we don’t take!
This beautiful young established man showing up in the innocent manner he did took guts! Not only because of who I am but because of who he is! Although he wasn’t the only man who showed up, he is the one that had the most to lose by stepping up. He was also the only man who wasn’t stepping up with the wallet first. His tenderness and open heartedness is something I will never forget. He restored my self esteem by showing me an absolute PERFECT 10 (in both looks and heart) still desires me at my most broken state of being.
Instead of jumping in. Instead of tossing out three years of a BEAUTIFUL and not so beautiful thing, I asked this young man if he would just hold me instead. Innocent holding. Not in a bedroom, not unclothed, I just desired to be held. And being held is what I got. Three hours of strong arms around me as I went in and out of crying, talking and healing my heart.
Advice from a woman who feels as though she has failed…
Stay close… Never turn your back on love! Never face away from the one you once lived for! Remember the nights you stayed awake in bed Laughing, screaming, touching …learning to love each other. Yes, life will come in but it doesn’t have to ruin a beautiful thing! Sure there will be bills that need paid, Dogs that need walked, families that need tended to. But does it have to get so bad? Do we need to throw away everything we have? I felt (for the first time in any relationship) that I was forced to fight from the beginning. All I wanted to do was to love this beautiful man. For three years, I tried to do just that. Not for the beautiful “things” he could offer. Because loving him was my truth. Caring for this man who was my hero was what my heart said I needed to do.
I love you, Please love yourself and love your partner.
Andrea
Rodger wanted me to let y’all know that we are healing and relaxing as we put out small fires one by one! I made a divine pineapple smoothie and he is just “chill~axin” with sweet little Louis! Lets all be thankful as we go through our day to day lives! Another day to live and to breathe!
Andrea cox 