The only way to Give

About a week ago someone offered me a really nice gift. It was actually a replacement of a large ticket item due to a mishap a year ago where two people were equally to blame.

I was floored with gratitude but I also felt scared. I wanted to make certain this person knew not to have expectations that I would be repaying him in any way. The moment I made that clear, the replacement item was no longer an option. He wasn’t giving from his heart. He was giving from a place of expectation. Expecting to get a return on his investment. That investment being me.

Unfortunately, I was not in compliance with this “deal”.

With our history and the confusion of events that occurred over the past year that option had been omitted by me a few months back. 

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So why am I feeling happy today? Because even though the item I had dreamed about is gone and sold. Even though there wont be an opportunity to ever buy an item with that combination of beauty, I didn’t compromise myself. By not compromising myself I saw the true intention behind the gift that was being offered to me. The true intention was someone doing nice things for me to “suddenly” come closer without having to explain a situation that had gone on over the past year and without expressing any true feelings or intentions.

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I learned three lessons from this

1) Give without expectations ~ I’ve actually always given from my heart so this wasn’t really a lesson to me but an important reminder.

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2) Hold true to your integrity ~ If someone is offering you a tangible gift know that unless that person is spiritually enlightened (has done their work), unless they are truly doing something from their heart, they will have expectations. By being upfront with this person I was standing within my integrity. 

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3) Love is a balance between giving and receiving. Love is an action Love is an action. Love is clear communication. Love is kindness and giving to others in the way they receive. If a person is not willing to take action with their time, if they are keeping secrets or acting sneaky, thats not love. That is deceit. And no matter how large the gift, no matter how much you need the gift, some gifts aren’t worth compromising your integrity for. If a person isn’t able to give without expecting something from you in return, you don’t need this person in your life.

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Some people say there’s no such thing as a selfless act—that any time we do something to help another person, we get something in return, even if it’s just a warm feeling within our heart.

I disagree. I think many people who don’t know the true meaning of giving, become bitter and angry often holding resentment and anger towards the receiver. This can even turn into a deep rooted hatred and blame towards the receiver. This same paradigm goes for those who give of… 

their time

their affection

their attention

their loyalty

their love 

their care

and their true intention of where a situation or relationship is truly leading to. People who give from the heart (not the wallet) are always crystal clear with their communication! Why? Because they are expecting nothing in return! They don’t look at people as commodities. They see people for their heart. 

It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What gives me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly” or is it “selfishly” with expectations?

I’ve found that those who give with expectations cause themselves and others more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes the receiver feel guilty. they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the act of kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships. A HUGE WEDGE OF BLAME AND SHAME!

Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. Since I give as a caregiver and lover by

caring for peoples health through making them healthy food

always trying to lift others up though my words especially when they are down and through physical touch or affection, I basically love with no conditions or expectations!

But, everyone who gives in this way has their limits when not receiving the time, truth and progress they need. Without seeing any action, we all eventually give up. In this situation, I was grateful for the person attempting to fix a major problem they had a hand in creating however, too late for them to try to come towards me without first giving me an apology, clarity, and action.

Because giving from the heart is naturally rewarding! Giving with the expectations of getting some type of benefit for yourself is manipulating.

Those who know how to give, release the need to control what they get for giving!

Unfortunately unless someone has “done their work”, human nature kicks in and dictates the “what’s in it for me attitude”. Sad but true! This blocks the Universe from giving us our true hearts desire! This also ALWAYS guilts the receiver!

Funny, I had never heard the scenario of “guilt and shame” until this person said it to me VERY early on in our friendship. I now know that he was who taught me what guilt shame and blame is. Again, I’m grateful for these lessons.

Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to, and then ask for things directly when you want them. If you aren’t doing this, you are using manipulation tactics. And many of us will see that from a mile away!

Bottom line, People who care about you will be there for you. They don’t expect you to be a mind reader and they ask for what they need. Whether that need is physical, emotional or monetary.

I love you, please love yourself ~ Andrea

copy-write Andrea Leigh Cox 2018